Concentration: I sometimes find myself struggling to stay focused on music when rehearsing. I catch myself thinking of things unrelated to the music. I can keep my awareness on the music during performance because it is more formal. I try to keep my awareness at a level where I keep track of everything I am working on to improve as well as on the music being played.
Musicality: My teachers do encourage me to think about musical ideas more. I strive to do this when I play each piece. It helps me with a lot with expression in each song.
Workaholism: I find myself always wanting work to do. When I have free time, I do notice that I become “lost,” or bored. I recognize that the most productive people balance going and stopping. I strive for this balance in my work, even though I do not succeed sometimes.
Self-definition: When I play, I am usually not my authentic self. I tend to follow what is on the page and usually don’t add or change anything to the music. I feel more authentic when I perform rather than practicing. Because of nerves, I feel I “go with the flow” of the music when performing. I add phrasing and expression without conscious effort.
Music School as Social Environment: I feel I belong within the classes of School of Music. As more of an independent person, I find I do keep my distance from fellow students. I hope for the support within the School of Music community in my learning and performances. I do have a sense of the connection with the music success and social success within the School of Music. I feel they are directly connected with one another.
Perfectionism: I notice that I try to perfect all areas of music, but will abandon areas that are higher in difficulty. One of my biggest goals for this year is to break this bad habit and spend more time with areas of high difficulty in my performance, composition, and studies. I struggle to know where the line between perfectionism and healthy striving lies. I hope to find this as well this year.
Self-compassion: I do not beat up myself for the things I don’t feel I do very well. I become embarrassed in some instances. I do not even think about self-compassion exercises during my practicing. This may be a helpful tool to stay focused on certain aspects of practicing.
Letting the body go: I try to play “correctly,” but find I drift off and play “incorrectly.” I feel my way of practicing encourage both learning the clarinet and developing musical impulses, but not simultaneously. I tend to practice one, than the other, either in different times in the session or separate sessions altogether.
Performance anxiety: I want to perform closer to my potential when under pressure. This is difficult for me to achieve. I find my performance anxieties are connected to worries about failure to play the passage as best as I could and the embarrassment of this failure. I don’t believe I suffer from “imposterism,” but I do sometimes feel that I do not compare close to other people or their performance skills.
Improvisation: I cannot improvise to save my life.
Alignment of time use with goals: In my free time, I enjoy listening and writing music, surfing the web, and talking to those I am close to. I believe the use of my free time does align with what is important in my life. I just let my use of time happen. Whatever I feel like doing, I will do.
Numbing activities: I do spend time each day doing things to try to numb the painful parts of my life. I use homework and my free time to ease (or at least forget about) the stress in my life. I spend a lot of time in the day on this. My attempts to numb are usually successful.
Practice technique: I practice for an hour or two on specific areas of music or technique. I set goals and try to achieve them, but will get frustrated often and stop work for a little.
Playthroughs=hard: I don’t find myself expect a level of perfection that makes it difficult for me to play through a piece, even after I have been working on it for a while.
Practicing methodically/thoroughly: When practicing a difficult measure over and over again, I choose to move on when my body has learned the passage or I get bored. This year my goal is to work until completed, not boredom.
Looking in the mirror: I use to listen to recordings of my self, but stopped because the recorder stopped working. I haven’t thought of it since then.
